I am your average mother of four, divorced ex-housewife, now single mom...
You've heard the story before a million times I'm sure. Struggled in a toxic and dysfunctional marriage while raising four kids, battling to create structure and function within dysfunction. Being the only force making everything work and pulling together the fragmented pieces only to watch in vain as it crumbled apart despite my efforts and prayers, and yes begging, time and again. This had been the structure and function of my life for over 20 years.
Many have asked me why I would stay in such a daily battle of dysfunction? There are a few answers to this and all have to do with belief... belief in myself, in my partner and of who we were together and as a family and the belief in what I knew... my knowledge or lack thereof of behavior, intentions, mindset, personality, ego etc.
Before marriage and family, I had always dreamed about writing or becoming an actress and although I did some modeling in my high school years and participated in pageants for a few years after, life always seemed to pull me away. The average person does not consider these "dreams" as practical goals before "working" and building a family/ career. Being the average american family mine where of no exception in their views of my dreams and so I did what was expected, I worked and then married my high school sweetheart and built a family, putting any dreams or personal goals on hold or on the back burner where they sat dormant waiting for the day I would be ready and available to wake them up again.
Being busy in my everyday life did not stop my inquisitive mind, or my entrepreneurial drive. My perfectionist Virgo side (a little OCD) always looked for answers and knowledge for clarity. Always motivated by the possibility of betterment and what could be. I hounded my ex to find the same interest in making things better, our business, our home, our family, our marriage. I believed in improvement and in never leaving things broken, unresolved or unfinished. I couldn't understand why he did not share the same motivation or inspiration for betterment that I did and it created much controversy, power struggles and eventually animosity and resentment.
My saving grace through the daily battles and struggle is when I finally started taking some time, however small, to myself, in whatever it was that I needed to get me to a place of peace and enjoyment. In the spring and summer months I found great joy in gardening and in yard work. In the winter months, I enjoyed reading and research. My research could be about anything from natural beauty remedies, fitness and ways to stay healthy and youthful to spiritual growth. With the internet and laptops being easier to use than a desktop, my research and inquiries expanded to marketing, business, human behavior and personal growth.
Through the years of struggle, I was faced with having to advocate for my dad who I identified was suffering from extreme manic depression. It took several years of getting him and family to understand and acknowledge the condition and the fact that he needed help. He lived from place to place, in his car and even a shelter before he allowed himself the help he needed to finally get to a better place.
2010 I advocated for a son struggling with substance abuse and Oppositional defiance. Fighting battles with not only my son... but my husband, kids, schools, other parents, my own parents etc. Everyone involved seemed to be in a state of denial and avoidance or enabling. With everyone at odds and with no collaboration I felt very alone in my struggle to reclaim my family and any return to normalcy and structure I could get. This battle expanded 9 years of trauma, chaos, crisis, struggle, controversy, heartache and frustration and has been the most challenging emotionally and mentally draining experience.
The year of death, approximately 9, which started in the spring of 2013 with the death of a beautiful and young vivacious and spirited cousin who left us way too soon and continued with a very long and dark winter with seemingly one funeral after another, then ended with my father's death the following summer 2014. As health proxy, I flew to Florida to have my dad removed from life support, he passed from sepsis at the age of 65.
Four weeks before my fathers death, we had to put our family dog of 14 years down, and four weeks after my father's death, my beautiful and sweet grandmother lost her battle with dementia. Within this year of death I picked up eight weeks of Mono (Mononucleosis), I had never before experienced such exhaustion. I still continued to work, and to take care of house, home, kids, structure, and all of the daily ongoing issues that came with it and found myself in the deepest state of depression I have ever known... or will ever know again. My sounding grace to fight through it ... my kids. From the pit of Hell that I fell into there was only one direction to go .... up. But I was not through yet...
I still had to go through more family crisis and struggle until I finally separated from my husband in late 2015 just before the holidays... from there I supported three of our four kids, maintained our home and did my best to get our son to the place he needed to be. It was a slow progress of two steps forward and five steps back. As always, it was my goal to create a safe and functioning home for my kids as well as for myself. Through this never ending struggle, I was also handling harassment, Bankruptcy, Impending foreclosure and an IRS audit. In a time frame of 4 years, I lost three jobs. My first job I loved, the people, the structure, the safety, everyone was like family but It closed it's doors forevermore in August of 2015.
The second job was with former co-workers but they did not train correctly, in that I mean barely. I was very much misunderstood and left to struggle on my own without help and asking for help only brought judgment. Because of my ongoing personal battles and the stress, anxiety, physical and mental drain and the fact that I let my diet go to the toilet, I soon found myself with extreme complex migraines and Anemia... I was spiraling fast, my coloring was off, my eyes looked dull and even yellow, my hair was falling out in clumps, my heart beat inconsistently and I even experienced some chest pain...I was exhausted physically and mentally. I almost passed out from being exhausted and anemic and I had even lost my sight one day from the onset of a complex migraine. Stressed at home and because I was struggling and knew that I was in an unsupportive environment, I was stressed at work too. After a year and a half, with no Company PIP in place or Human Resources, and no one who cared enough to take the time and ask me what I needed, or how they could help, I was let go. It was both heartbreaking and humiliating. I hadn't been fired since I was 18 for refusing to work on my high school graduation day.
I found work a month later, in the same industry with others I knew. I knew from the beginning that it was not the place I wanted to be, working there was a knee-jerk reaction to losing my previous job. Same scenario, different place. I was running on auto-pilot and as predicted, a year later I was let go from that establishment as well. Three jobs in four years amongst friends who were not strong enough or care enough to offer the support or guidance I needed. I know that my circumstances and personal struggles made them feel uncomfortable and so they felt it was just easier to let me go rather than to offer any assistance. If they only knew how far just a little bit of consideration, care and support would have gone.
It took a good year to balance my health and recover from anemia and the experience made me realize how very important healthy food and a healthy diet effect the delicate balance of our bodies health and hormones . Being in un-supportive work environments that do not offer proper care, training or any form of higher education, also made me realize the importance of being valued and supported in the workplace and realize that compensating self value and self-esteem come at a very high price.
It took years of extensive groundwork from within, some counseling ( you bet!), research, soul searching, coaching, reading, many different courses and extensive research to find the right balance of meditation, visualization, mindfulness, healthy diet and more to get to a healthy and happy place Physically, Mentally and Emotionally. Through trial and era, self discovery, healthy diet, detox and meditation, I have found my peace, my joy, my health and my BALANCE as I flow through life without worry or stress no matter what comes my way. This enables me to experience more joy, peace, happiness and freedom in my life.
Now I am ready to share my many years of research, study and experience with you. Broken down and made simple to implement to any busy lifestyle. With motivation and guidance, tips and a structured easy to use program designed to fit your everyday individual needs.
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